


Negotiations Of The Heart

by TeamKalinda



Series: A Year of Very Kalicia Holidays [2]
Category: Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F, Holidays, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-26
Updated: 2012-01-26
Packaged: 2017-10-30 04:30:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamKalinda/pseuds/TeamKalinda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alicia is not-so-pleasantly surprised that Kalinda wants to discuss the details of their relationship. It was hard enough for her to admit her feelings in the first place, now she’s supposed to set up boundaries and rules? But Kalinda has never done well with a lack of clarity; she didn’t become an investigator because she had a habit of just accepting things at face value. They share an awkward conversation over drinks at their usual place. It’s a Valentine’s Day neither of them will forget any time soon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Negotiations Of The Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second in a series of 10 fics inspired by a holiday challenge. Each fic will give a holiday themed snap-shot of the evolving relationship between Alicia and Kalinda through the time span of one year.

It was three days before Valentine’s Day when Alicia looked up from her desk to find Kalinda all but pacing in front of her office. She waited for the opportunity to catch her attention and motioned for her to come inside.

“What’s up?” she asked, only a little too willing to set aside the discovery she had been sorting through. 

“I don’t do Valentine’s Day, Alicia. But you’re the kind of person that does and I don’t want to hurt you. … So what do we do about that?” 

Kalinda’s words spilled out in an almost rehearsed sounding rush, and once the initial surprise wore off Alicia had to work hard to prevent a smile from forming on her lips. There was something endlessly endearing about the fact that this seemed to be troubling the investigator so. At the same time, though, their relationship was complicated enough, always had been, without this kind of added drama. 

“You should write Hallmark cards, Kalinda.” 

The quip was spoken, like so many other things lately, before Alicia had the chance to weigh the potential consequences. Thankfully, it seemed to hit its intended mark. Kalinda’s body visibly relaxed and the annoyance that flashed across her face was clearly of the mock variety. 

“I’m trying here. I really am.” 

“I know you are.” 

When Alicia did smile, there was a definite aspect of sympathy involved. Kalinda was being – sweet – in her Kalinda way and Alicia found herself feeling surprisingly touched. It was a big deal for Kalinda to admit that she cared about anyone, let alone that she’d spent any of her time concerned about how her actions might make someone else feel. This was a big step.

Since their New Years kiss their relationship had changed drastically, though, sometimes Alicia thought, not enough. Even if it was all in her head, she thoroughly enjoyed the way Kalinda seemed to brighten when she walked into the room. She certainly appreciated the fact that they could laugh together again, even if Kalinda occasionally tried just a little too hard to get a reaction. It just made her laugh more. And, there was no denying that there had been several moments when their eyes had met across a room and Alicia had known for certain that they’d been on the same wavelength. She never would have thought Kalinda Sharma could give her butterflies…but she’d been wrong before. 

Still, they were behaving more like courting teenagers whose parents wouldn’t allow them to spend time together outside of their studies than the adults they both claimed to be on a regular basis. They had their moments at work but never without a watchful eye for Will, Diane or anyone else that might have an unsolicited opinion about their lives. That Kalinda was an all-star flirt had never been lost on Alicia, although just how good she really was hadn’t become apparent until said skills were focused in her direction. It all stayed at work, though – exactly where it didn’t belong. 

“So, what is this relationship that we have going, anyway?” Kalinda asked, flipping through her notebook nonchalantly as if she were just making idle chat. 

Alicia couldn’t help but raise her eyebrows. Kalinda was reading her mind again. She simultaneously both loved and hated that she seemed to be able to do that now. She wondered briefly if it wasn’t so much a newly acquired skill, but rather something she’d only recently made real use of. 

“You want to talk about our relationship? You. Really?” 

Kalinda looked up briefly and then back down to the notebook in her lap as if it might hold the answer she was looking for. 

“So you don’t want me to ask questions. You’d rather I just react to situations?” 

“No. God, no. Not with your tendency to react with weapons.” 

Kalinda smiled but it was clear that she was beginning to feel tense again. 

“You know what I want for Valentine’s Day, Kalinda?” Alicia asked, as if the idea had just suddenly come to her – mostly because it had. 

“Tell me.” 

“I want to have a drink.” 

“You want to have a drink.” Kalinda repeated uncertainly. 

She seemed interested but also appeared to be waiting for some kind of punch line. 

“Yes – with you. At the bar where were used to celebrate all of your infamous whoever-Lockhart-whoever traditions. I really miss that.” 

“Sorry to interrupt.” 

The intern that had burst into Alicia’s office so abruptly and without invitation startled both of them. As usual, Kalinda was far better at appearing unflustered.

“Kalinda, Diane wants you to sit in on the meeting she’s having.” 

“I’m busy.” 

Kalinda’s response was so matter of fact that Alicia was forced to look away to keep herself from laughing inappropriately. 

“Tell her I’m on my way,” Kalinda sighed when the poor intern couldn’t seem to move on beyond staring at her helplessly. 

“So, we’ll have drinks, then?” Kalinda asked, standing to follow the young woman who had fled the room as quickly as she’d entered it.

Alicia nodded. 

“I’m looking forward to it.” 

 

***

 

Kalinda was swirling the liquid around in the bottom of her glass. It had gone on for so long that it was all Alicia could do to stop herself from reaching over and taking the glass out of her hand. This wasn’t what she wanted – this awkwardness. This wasn’t what they’d had before and it certainly wasn’t what she wanted them to have in the future. It was all confounded by the fact that Kalinda had barely looked at her since she’d arrived. Whatever was going on inside the investigator’s head had her distracted beyond deflection. She’d seemed fine earlier, so Alicia could only assume that it was this – the awkwardness of their still unclearly defined relationship that had her feeling uncomfortable now. 

Several times Alicia had drawn a breath to speak. If she teased Kalinda somehow, got her to smile, even better, to laugh, at least the tension would break. Asking her to open up had never been an option. That just wasn’t Kalinda’s style. Alicia was on her own in uncharted territory here. There was no case precedent for Kalinda. 

She couldn’t seem to wrap her head around the right words to convey any of the things she wanted to say. Her mind felt sluggish and she knew, rather than too much alcohol, it was likely that she hadn’t yet had enough. 

It wasn’t so much Kalinda that made her nervous as it was the unique intensity of her feelings for her. She couldn’t pinpoint a time when she’d realized just how much she cared for the woman beside her. She had always been drawn to her. She couldn’t recall ever knowing her without wanting to know her better, to be closer to her somehow. She’d never been so intrigued by anyone. 

Ironically, all of the turbulence of their relationship seemed only to confirm Alicia’s feelings. If she could still care for Kalinda after all that they’d been through, possibly now more than ever having experienced the heavy emptiness of losing her, then they had something really special, didn’t they? 

Even at the peak of her anger, as she’d sat in her office watching the Indian woman use everything she had to try to keep her beautiful face from crumbling under the pressure of a rush of emotion she had in no way been prepared for, Alicia had known her desire to be free from her wouldn’t last. She needed Kalinda the way a junkie needed a fix – it wasn’t necessarily good for her, but after awhile it had become the only way she knew how to survive. There was no 12 step program for quitting Kalinda and Alicia knew, even at the darkest point in their relationship, she wouldn’t have signed up for it even if there was. 

The uncomfortable silence drew out between them for several more long moments until; finally, Kalinda broke it herself. 

“I’m sorry,” she said softly, not making eye contact. 

“For what?” Alicia asked, frowning. 

There’d been enough apologies between them. She’d thought they were past that. 

“For this – all of this. This isn’t what you wanted. I can’t be that. I…I don’t know if I can do this, Alicia.” 

A familiar coldness wrapped itself around Alicia’s heart and worked its way through her veins until she felt completely numb. She was the stupidest person she knew. There was absolutely no acceptable explanation for how she hadn’t seen this coming. 

Throughout the overwhelming task of trying to work out just exactly what it was she felt for Kalinda, it had never even occurred to her that deep down the other woman might not care for her just as much. Had she somehow become so smitten that it had left her completely blind? After all they had been through, how did something like that happen? 

“Please don’t,” Kalinda whispered, finally looking up at her. 

Alicia had seen that expression before. Kalinda was bracing herself for something extremely unpleasant. While she had incredibly practiced control of her face, there was already a deep woundedness in her dark eyes that spoke volumes about what she expected to come next. Kalinda could have singlehandedly sunk the Titanic – all that dangerous complexity just below the surface. 

“Don’t what?” Alicia asked, once she was sure her voice wasn’t going to break. 

“Don’t hate me.” 

Alicia couldn’t hold in the laugh that was an automatic response to the request. 

“I can’t hate you, Kalinda. I can’t. God knows I’ve tried.” 

She finished the drink in front of her in one swallow and squeezed the glass tightly, desperate for something concrete to hold on to. 

“I can’t hate you, but you won’t let me love you and there’s no in-between. What am I supposed to do with that? Please, enlighten me.” 

Kalinda seemed caught off guard by the bluntness of the question and then she looked like she felt sick. 

“I care about you, Alicia. I do. I wasn’t leading you on. I wouldn’t do that to you.” 

“You don’t care enough about me to let me in.” 

Alicia hadn’t meant to say the words out loud, but once they were on the table she didn’t regret it. Kalinda took a slow deep breath before responding. She was deliberately avoiding eye contact again.

“I’ve never been intimate with anyone I’ve cared about the way I care about you. That’s just not how I operate. I don’t know if I can be your lover and your friend…and I can’t bear to lose your friendship again.” 

Suddenly, Alicia felt nauseous herself. Something inside of her ached to hold Kalinda close and tell her everything would be alright, but she knew anything of the kind would cause more problems than it would fix. 

“I didn’t plan to come here and tell you I don’t want this,” Kalinda said, running her finger around the edge of her glass. 

“But that’s what I do. I run away when things get messy. It’s practically a reflex for me. No one has ever mattered enough for me to try to find a better way to react. I’m a difficult person, Alicia. That’s just who I am. I know I can be self-centered and I’ve made mistakes but there’s not one thing I’ve ever done with the intention of hurting you.” 

Alicia was deeply struck by the realization that she couldn’t say the same. She had wanted Kalinda to hurt when she was hurting – wanted her to be able to relate. In keeping her secrets Kalinda had been selfish and not the friend Alicia had thought she was, but she knew it was true that the intent had never been to cause her pain. 

Despite trying to steel herself against a display of vulnerabilities, Alicia felt hot tears burning in her eyes. She was determined against all odds to keep them from falling. 

Kalinda frowned, almost as if she had felt the change in Alicia’s emotions without even looking at her. 

“I want to be with you, Alicia,” she said softly. “But if I disappoint you…if it doesn’t work out… I just don’t think I could face that pain again.” 

“You _are_ a difficult person, Kalinda,” Alicia said after a long moment. “But everything you just said to me…that’s why you’re worth it.” 

She reached out and gently laid her hand on Kalinda’s arm, causing her to look up again. 

“I know it’s a lot to ask, especially from you, but if you trust me, and all I ask is that you try; I promise I’ll do everything I can to make sure you don’t regret it.” 

Kalinda’s expression softened and she slowly nodded, offering Alicia her familiar half smile. 

“I really wanted to make your Valentine’s Day special. I screwed that part up, too.” 

Alicia laughed and shook her head. 

“I’ve never had a day quite like this and I won’t be forgetting it any time soon, either.” 

She reached up and tenderly ran the back of her hand across Kalinda’s cheek. The tightness inside her chest began to slowly dissipate when Kalinda didn’t tense or try to pull away as she seemed to do so automatically at times. 

“And that’s a good thing?” 

Alicia smiled. 

“My life is very rarely easy, Kalinda, but it’s always better with you in it.”


End file.
